Impatience

Every now and then I want to sream. I want to scream into people’s face and shake them up, wake them up. Because so many people have the guts to close their eyes and say that nothing is happening, deny that somehting is happening. I want to scream into their faces and ask them: “Why don’t you do something, where in god’s name do you find the guts not to do something?”. But I know that such a thing won’t help, I know that getting angry and loosing my temper won’t suddenly convince people to act against climate change or to help refugees.

Sometimes, I also get angry at myself. Angry at myself because I don’t always choose what’s best for the climate, and isn’t that hypocrite? When giving speeches, I always urge people to think about their own life, about what they can change in order to form a more sustainable way of living. Why then, don’t I always do that myself? A part of me also finds going to college a way of being hypocrite. Studying is a safe choice, it’s what people expect you to do. I have doubted between taking a gap year and going to college, and I eventually decided to apply for International Relations and International Organisations in Groningen. That is safe, despite the fact that I will move to Groningen, despite the fact that starting a new studies will be a challenge. Taking a gap year, going abroad, doing voluntary work or starting an EBase, that isn’t safe. It’s out of the ordinary and it’s not following most standards. And sometimes I hate myself for not having chosen the unsafe. It has a lot to do with impatience. Since I made my expedition to Antarctica, I have always felt some form of impatience. Not always equally strong, but it’s always there. Always this little voice in my head reminding me of a new educational module, a brainstormsession about an EBase or a new initiative for windmills in Deventer. Choosing for a new studies also means not choosing for these ideas, and therefore feels as if  I am not choosing to fight climate change. The majority of time, I realise that that’s nonsense. But postponing my fight with four more years, on top of the two years I spent finishing high school after my expedition… it frustrates me.

I’ve written about this before, about 6 months after I came back from Antarctica I wrote about my certainty with regard to spreading the 2041-mission. That certainty is still there, it’s just mixed up with my impatience and my desire to wake up others. Balance is often very hard to find between this desire and the enormous amount of impatience and that’s when I start sreaming, when I want to shake people up.

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